Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
by Brokenvowandhauntedmemories
Summary: He said it would be as if he never existed. He thought it would be a gift. He had no idea the curse he was giving her.
1. Chapter 1

**Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind**

 **Summary: He said it would be as if he never existed. He thought it would be a gift. He had no idea the curse he was giving her.**

 _"Memory is all we are. Moments and feelings, captured in amber, strung on filaments of reason. Take a man's memories and you take all of him. Chip away a memory at a time and you destroy him as surely as if you hammered nail after nail through his skull."_  
 _― Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns_

* * *

 _ **Time is fuzzy these days.**_

Bella stares at the spoon in her hands then looks at Charlie, who is eating dinner across from her. She pokes her mashed potatoes with her spoon and frowns.

She doesn't remember making dinner. Honestly, she doesn't remember coming home from school.

Everything seems to blend together these days…ever since Edward—

Bella flinches, pressing a hand to her chest, and then blinks slowly.

 _What was she thinking about?_

"Are you going to eat that?" Charlie asks, and Bella looks down at her eggs, then out the window.

It was morning.

Bella nods, stiffly, and mechanically picks of her fork, eating without saying a word.

Charlie's paper says it's October 4.

Bella thought it was the 16th of September.

…..

In her mind she can see herself acting normal, cleaning up the dishes, driving herself to school, and going to each one of her classes but in reality she moves stiffly, slowly, like she's half asleep, being tugged around on a string.

She's fine.

Mike says that holding a conversation with her is like talking to someone on drugs. He pauses after he says it and looks at her in concern.

"You're not on drugs are you?" Mike asks, slowly, eyes shifting nervously around to make sure no one is listening, "Because if you are we can get you some help—"

Bella hears a velvety voice whisper in her ear, something about heroin, and feels a phantom pain in her chest, then she doesn't think about anything at all.

She opens her eyes, and realizes that she's in bed. Her alarm clock is blaring. She reaches over, and turns it off, then gets out of bed.

She has to get ready for school.

…

Charlie knows that she goes in and out, and sometimes there's no triggers.

She could be washing dishes in the kitchen, and then she'll blink and be sitting on the couch next to Charlie.

He'll be looking at her, like they were in the middle of a conversation, and Bella won't know what's going on.

"Bella, are you feeling alright?" Charlie asks, and Bella nods.

"I'm fine," she says, because it's true.

There's nothing wrong with her.

She stares at the TV and her face twists up in confusion.

"What's wrong?" Charlie asks, and Bella shakes her head.

"He said it was October 29th," Bella muttered, and Charlie nods.

"It is," he agrees, and Bella frown deepened.

She thought it was the 16th of September.

…..

She's in the kitchen, making lunch, humming to herself. She tries to remember where she heard the song, and a memory of pale hands on piano keys comes to mind.

 _It hurts…_

She blinks and looks around, biting her lip.

She's in the woods. She looks around but can't see her house.

Why would…?

She'd been thinking about something…?

She must have walked here. She looked down at the ground.

 _It will be as if I'd never existed._

She blinked.

What was she doing again?

She noticed something on the ground and picked it up.

Her shoe?

How did her shoe get in the woods? She remembered putting them on this morning before she went to school.

She looked down at her feet. She was wearing boots.

She shrugged, and turned to retrace her steps and go home, her shoe clenched tightly in her hand.

She hummed to herself as she walked home, a song she was pretty sure her mom used to play around the house when she was little.

….

She's in Jacob's garage.

She watched his back as he works on his car, asking for tools over his shoulder. He doesn't seem to care that sometimes she checks out, so he has to repeat what he wanted…twice.

She's been trying to keep track of her blackouts, but she can't seem to figure out the trigger.

"So Valentine's day is coming up," Jacob says, turning to look at her, a sunny grin on his face, "Any plans?"

Bella stares at him blankly.

"How can it be Valentine's day?" she asks, "It's September,"

"No, it's February 7th," the boy says, slowly and Bella goes quiet for a long time.

"Who are you?" she finally asks, and the boy smiles warmly.

"I'm Jacob Black," he says, without hesitation, "Your best friend,"

Bella nods, and Jacob goes back to working on his car.

Bella passing him tools.

He only has to repeat what he wants twice.

…

She screams sometimes at night.

Her eyes open and a scream burst from her throat without her permission.

She presses her pillow to her face to smother the screams, her chest aching with fathom pain, as if someone literally ripped her heart out.

Once the screaming stops, she sobs, breaking to pieces over a nightmare that she can't even remember.

"Bella!" Charlie calls, coming into her room, and Bella removes the pillow from her head, tears streaming from her eyes, "What's wrong?"

Bella doesn't answer. She doesn't know why she's crying.

Charlie sits next to her and rubs her back.

"Look, I know that Edward leaving was hard but—" Charlie starts, and her brain gives up on trying to stay in the present.

It hurts too much…

She's eating cereal across from Charlie.

She doesn't remember making cereal.

She doesn't remember getting out of bed.

"So, are you going to hang out with Jacob after school today?" Charlie asks, and Bella nods.

"I guess," she mumbles, confused.

Who was Jacob?

She looks at Charlie sitting across from her, and notices the date on his paper. It's February 13th.

She thought it was September 16th.

…

"Happy Valentine's!" Jacob says, holding out a small, pink box of conversation hearts.

Bella stares at him for a long moment.

"It's Valentine's day?" she asks, and Jacob nods.

"I should have gotten you a calendar," Jacob jokes, as Bella took the candy, "But then again, I guess you've had a lot going on with—"

"Thanks," she says, interrupting him, she thinks her face is smiling but she can't be sure.

She stares at the candy hearts and feels pressure building behind her eyes. A single tear slides down her cheeks, and Jacob pulls her into a hug.

"Who am I?" Jacob asks, rubbing her back.

And Bella tries to think through the sludge in her brain. A beach…a conversation she can't remember.

"Jacob Black," Bella says, slowly, "You're my best friend."

"Aw, Bells" he says, pulling away to look at her, a warm smile on his face, "You remembered,"

"How could I forget?" Bella jokes, but something feels wrong.

She looks at the hearts in her hand.

"Where did you find Valentine's candy in September?" Bella asks, and Jacob's smile falls for a second.

"A novelty shop," he answers, letting go of her and taking her hand in his, "Want to go see a movie?"

"Okay," Bella says, opening the candy, and offering one to Jacob.

….

Sometimes it hurts to be around Jacob.

Bella doesn't know why. She loves being around him.

He's the only person who doesn't look at her like she's strange. And she thinks she blanks out less when she's around him.

But sometimes, she looks at him and she doesn't know who he is. Where did they meet?

Sometimes, when he speaks, all she hears is the sound of waves crashing on to the beach. She covers her ears and it gets louder.

"Bella?" Jacob says, pulling her hands away from her ears, "Are you alright?"

Bella looks at him, and blinks.

"What were we talking about?" Bella asks, and Jacob lets go of her hands.

"I asked you to hand me that screwdriver," he says, pointing to the tools beside her.

"Oh," Bella says, grabbing the screw driver and passing it to him, "Who are you?"

The boy smiles, but his eyes are sad.

"Who do you think I am?" he asks, and Bella frowns.

"Uh," she presses her hand to her head.

"I'm Jacob Black," he says, taking her free hand in his, "I'm your best friend,"

"Jacob," Bella repeats, then nods, "Okay,"

Jacob presses a kiss to her forehead, and then goes back to working on his car.

He asks her for tools, and she passes them to her.

He only has to repeat what he asked for twice.

….

She's sitting at the lunch table with her friends.

She doesn't know who half the people at her table are, but she doesn't want to come off as rude by asking.

"Bella, do you want to go see a movie with us this weekend?" Mike asks, and Bella shrugs.

"Okay," she says, and feels people staring at her, "What?"

"Nothing," says Jessica, "You've just never agreed to go somewhere with us so easily,"

"Really?" Bella asks, confused.

"Yeah, you used to be so far up Edward's ass that we practically had to pry you out with a crowbar," Lauren hissed, and Bella flinched.

"Edward?" she repeats, and she can't breathe.

Her head snaps toward the empty lunch table and then back to Lauren, whose eyes have gone wide.

Bella gets up from the lunch table and storms out of the room, her head spinning.

She makes it halfway to the Cullen's house...

She blinks and frowns.

Where was she going again?

She looks around and nothing looks familiar.

She must have made a wrong turn on her way to Jacob's.

She turns around, wondering why her heart hurts, brushing tears off her cheeks.

The man on the radio says it's February 27th, Bella laughs because it must be a joke.

It's only September 16th.

…

She can't stop moving.

The boy watches her pace around his Living Room, with patient eyes.

"Who am I, Bella?" he asks, casually, and Bella freezes, "Bella, who am I?"

Bella can't control her breathing, pacing faster, before she trips over the coffee table. The boy steadies her before she can fall.

He pulls her into a hug, and Bella clings to him.

"Why would he do this to me?" Bella asks, "Why would he leave me? How could he just—?" Bella can't finish, it hurts to much, "Who are you?"

The boy's arms tremble around her, but when he pulls away his gaze it steady.

"Look at me, Bella," he says, "You know me,"

Bella cringes, as a painful tangle of memories flash before her eyes, gone before she has a chance to distinguish them. She sags against him, suddenly tired.

"Jacob," she mutters, "What were we talking about?"

Jacob sighs, and pats her head.

"We weren't talking about anything," Jacob says, and Bella nods, closing her eyes.

She wakes in Jacob's bed and can hear him talking to Charlie in the living room.

She's too tired to even attempt to focus on what they're talking about, though she hears her name mentioned a few times.

Jacob comes into the room, with a plate of sandwiches.

"Dinner time," he says, cheerfully, and sits next to her on the bed.

They eat in silence, and if Bella forgets where she is, Jacob is kind enough not to mention it.

"He shouldn't have left you," Jacob says, and Bella nods, though she has no idea who he's talking about.

 _Who left her?_

…

She's fine.

Some days she can go the whole day without blanking out. But those days are hard, and she finds her hands shaking and her head hurting.

"Pencils down," her teacher says, and Bella looks down at her blank paper.

She wrote the wrong name.

She laughs to herself and erases the name Alice.

She doesn't know anyone by that name.

Oh, she got the date wrong.

She erases March 3rd and writes September 16th.

Her teacher gives her a look when she takes her paper and Bella tries to force herself to smile.

She's not sure she succeeds.

….

"Who am I?" the boy asks, over the crashing waves in her ears, "Bella, who am I?"

"Jacob Black," Bella says, "You're my best friend."

Jacob nods, and asks her to pass him the tools.

She passes him the tools.

He only has to repeat what he asked for twice.

…..

"Bella, I think we should take you to the doctor," Charlie says, and Bella looks up from her book.

"Why?" she asks, tilting her head, "Am I sick?"

"No, baby," Charlie says, putting his hand on her shoulder, "But it's been months and you keep spacing out,"

"I'm fine," Bella says and Charlie shakes his head.

"No, Bella. You're not," he says, firmly, "This isn't normal break up behavior, Bella,"

"Break up?" Bella repeats, then shakes her head, "I didn't break up with anyone, Dad."

"I know, sweetheart," Charlie says, "He broke up with you,"

"I've never had a boyfriend," she states, before going back to reading her book.

She wonders why she never read Romeo and Juliet before.

It's a really good book.

"Bella, what day is it?" Charlie asks, and Bella answers without look up.

"September 16th,"

"Bella, it's March 30th," Charlie says, so sadly that it brings tears to Bella's eyes, the pain is so sharp.

Bella blinks, there's a ringing in her ears, and a velvety voice hissing angrily at her.

She blinks again and it's gone.

She looks back down at the book in her hands, and turns back to the first page.

She doesn't know why she would start at the middle of a book she's never read before.

…

She's at the hospital.

She doesn't remember driving to the hospital. She looks over and sees Charlie sitting in the chair beside her.

Oh, he must have brought her here.

Was she sick?

"Bella," the doctor asks, and Bella frowns.

He wasn't her normal doctor.

"Do you know where you are?" the doctor asks, and Bella nods.

"I'm in a hospital," Bella answers, and the doctor nods.

"Do you know why you're in the hospital?" he asks, and Bella looks at Charlie.

"Am I sick?" she asks, and Charlie looks away.

"Yes, Bella," the doctor says, "but we're going to make you all better,"

Bella nods, and follows the doctor into the backroom.

The doctor only has to remind her where she is twice.

…..

She's in Jacob's garage.

She looks around, but Jacob's nowhere to be found.

She gets up and heads to the house. She can hear yelling from the yard.

"She doesn't need to be in a hospital!" Jacob shouts, and Bella freezes, the air leaving her lungs.

"The doctor said—" Charlie starts, and Jacob interrupts.

"He couldn't find anything wrong with her!" Jacob exclaims, "Her brain is fine!"

"But she's still having black outs, son," Billy joins in, "She doesn't even know what day it is,"

"I brought her a calendar," Jacob says, and Bella smiles slightly.

"Look, I don't want her to go any more than you do," Charlie says, "But you know that ever since Edward—"

Bella covers her ears and curls into herself. She can't breathe; it hurts…

 _Blood dripping onto a carpet…. leaves rustling in the wind…A velvety voice saying something…_

This hurts…this hurts her.

"Bells?" a familiar husky voice says, and Bella flinches, takes her hands way from her ears, "How much of that did you here?"

Bella blinks.

"Who are you?" Bella asks, and the boy smiles.

"Let's get you inside," The boy says, holding out his hand.

Bella takes his hand, and lets him lead her back to the garage.

He asks her for tools and she passes them to her.

He only has to repeat what he asked for twice.

...

 **September 16, 2005**

"I'll make you a promise in return," he says, cupping her face. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

He presses his lips to her forehead and her knees start to shake, memories flashing quickly before her eyes, fading away as he lets her go.

"Bella," the pale boy asks, "Do you know who I am?"

She's dizzy and her head hurts.

His question swirls around in her head and she tries to concentrate.

"I-I don't," she stares at him, confused, "Who…?"

"Consider this a gift," The pale boy with gold eyes says, "Goodbye, Bella,"

"Wait!" Bella gasps, confused, reaching out for him but he takes another step backwards.

"Take care of yourself," he smiles sadly, covering her eyes with his hand.

There is a strange unnatural wind and she blinks.

...

She wakes up in her bed.

She lifts up and winces, pressing her hand to her head.

What happened?

She looks out the window and sees it's morning.

She has to get ready for school.

She gets out of bed and a slip of paper flutters to the ground.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot. The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." Bella reads, makes a face and throws the paper in the trash.

What was that doing there?

* * *

 _"Time it was_  
 _And what a time it was, it was_  
 _A time of innocence_  
 _A time of confidences_  
 _Long ago it must be_  
 _I have a photograph_  
 _Preserve your memories_  
 _They're all that's left you"_  
 **― Paul Simon, Lyrics 1964-2008**

* * *

 **Author's note: I have no idea where this came from, but I feel strangely proud.**

 **Please Review and let me know what you think**


	2. Chapter 2

**Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind**

 **Summary: He said it would be as if he never existed. He thought it would be a gift. He had no idea the curse he was giving her.**

 _"And as the years have passed, the time has grown longer. The sad truth is that what I could recall in five seconds all too needed ten, then thirty, then a full minute - like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, the shadows will be swallowed up in darkness."_  
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

* * *

She sits in the park to breathe in fresh air, ignoring the ice-cream melting in her hands.

She doesn't remember buying ice-cream or coming to the park.

She looks at the children are playing around her, at the couples sitting on other benches holding hands, then at the birds by her feet.

Why…?

There are pamphlets sitting beside her, which she is guessing are the reason for her blackout. Apparently, someone wanted to put her in a care facility for people with memory loss.

"Bella," someone says and she stares at the boy confused.

"Do I know you?" she asks, and the boy takes the ice-cream from her hands, offering her napkins.

"Oh, Bells," the boy sits down beside her, "I don't know what we're going to do with you,"

He looks at the ground, eyes sad, and Bella frowns.

"It's okay," she says, "I don't even know where I am,"

The boy chuckles, and Bella pretends not to notice when he rips the pamphlets in half and lets them blow away in the wind.

It was a surprisingly warm for it to be September.

….

"I'm scared, dad," Bella admits, and Charlie sits down beside his daughter.

"It's going to be okay," Charlie promises, but she knows he's lying.

She burrows under the blankets and Charlie runs her fingers through her hair and whispering a story of when she was a little girl and she was afraid to start school.

"I love you, Bella,"

"I Lov-"

Bella blinks

She's in the bathroom brushing her teeth.

She spits in the sinks.

"Love you too, dad," she mutters.

…

She opens her eyes, and realizes that she's in bed. Her alarm clock is blaring. She reaches over, and turns it off, then gets out of bed.

She has to get ready for school.

She pauses at the door.

There's a calendar there with a posted note.

 _Today is March 30_ _th_ _. You don't have school today._

She frowns.

How can it be March?

It's September 16th.

She crumbles the posted note and goes on about her day, writing it off as a prank from Charlie

…

Jacob likes to stop by with calendars and stop watches.

He's trying to help her keep track of her memory loss and figure out the cause, but it's pointless.

She can't press the stop watch when she blacks out, because she doesn't know she's blacked out.

Most of the ideas don't make any sense, but she appreciates it.

Charlie has taken her out of school and they're doing home study.

Mike brings her work home for her at the end of every day and Charlie drops it off for her at the end of the week.

She thinks he hopes that without the stress of school she might zone out less.

She still wakes up every day, ready to go to school, and he has to remind her that she's not in school anymore.

She wonders if she used to drive herself to school on the weekends thinking she needed to go and then didn't tell anyone.

She doesn't remember.

…

She opens her eyes and she's in the living room watching a movie with Jacob.

She blinks and she's sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Charlie.

Blinks again and she's alone in the bathtub.

She sinks under the water with her eyes open.

She doesn't want to know where she'll end up next.

…

She's sitting in Jacob's garage, watching his back.

It looks like he's grown a lot, getting taller, and his hair is shorter.

The only one who isn't changing is her, she looks down at the wrench she clutching in her hand and feels something heavy in her stomach

"I think Charlie should put me in the hospital," she says, quietly.

Jacob tenses and he sets his screwdriver down hard, making her flinch.

"Why do you want to go to the hospital?" Jacob asks, without looking at her, "You're not hurting anyone and I think you're getting better,"

"I'm not though," Bella states, "I'm not getting any better!"

The words hang in the air between them and Bella buries her face in her hands.

"You don't need to go to the hospital! We…we can get through this," Jacob says desperately, "Whatever is going on with your memory... we'll figure it out, okay?"

"My friends graduated, Jake" Bella says, "Everyone's going to college now. I've lost ten months of my life and nothings changed. I can't even go to college!"

"We can-"

"There is no _we_ , Jacob." Bella says, sadly, "There's nothing wrong with _you_. _You're_ fine. _Charlie's_ fine. This is my problem,"

"Bella, I'm not fine. I'm a freaking mess," Jacob admits, "Charlie's a mess. We just want you to get better,"

"That's exactly why I should leave. I'm not getting better and I can't keep making the two of you live this endless cycle of September with me." Bella sniffles, brushing a stray tear off her cheek, "This is no way to live,"

"Wait," Jacob chokes out. "Just give me some time to think! I'll come up with a way to fix this!"

"This isn't an Adam Sandler movie. You can't just make me a video tape about the stuff I missed. I'm on autopilot. Sometimes you guys don't even notice that I'm gone. What could possibly fix this?" Bella asks.

"Edward!" Jacob shouts, and Bella's ears start ringing.

The color drains from Jacob's face and he searches her eyes to make sure she's still with him.

"Who is…?" she swallows the bile that rises as she forms the question, "Who is Edward?"

"You keep thinking that every day is September 16th, right?" Jacob asks, and Bella nods, "Well that's the day that Edward and his family left! There's got to be a connection."

"You think this…Edward," she says his name slowly, "has something to do with my memory loss?"

"His dad's a doctor. Maybe they tested some experimental drug on you and left town to avoid a lawsuit," Jacob suggests.

Bella tries to follow the conversation, but the ringing is too loud. She just watches the boys mouth move and waits for him to stop talking.

"Bella?"

"Do I know you?"

…..

Time seems to blur.

The boy keeps talking to her but all she can hear is the ocean. He eventually gives up and takes her hand, pulling her out of the garage and into her truck.

He drives and she wonders if she's being kidnapped, but she can't find the strength to protest.

She blinks.

She's in her room and the boy is there throwing some of her stuff into a duffle bag.

She really should say something.

She opens her mouth and—.

She's on the couch with a duffle bag in her lap. She looks around and sees Jacob and Charlie in the kitchen.

Jacob is talking to Charlie in a low voice and Bella knows that they are talking about her.

"She's in no condition to travel!" Charlie finally says loudly.

"I'll be with her. I won't let anything happen to her!" Jacob promises.

"It's too dangerous."

"We're just going to California," Jacob says, "Once we get there, we'll find Edward and get him to fix this."

"We don't even know that he's responsible!" Charlie argues.

"We don't know that he's innocent either!" Jacob counters.

"I'm not letting you take my daugh-" Charlie's growl is cut off a soft velvety voice whispering in her ear.

" _It will be as if I'd never existed."_

Bella closes her eyes.

She doesn't want to listen anymore.

…

She's in her truck with Jacob.

A bag is in her lap. She opens it and sees her things.

She doesn't remember packing a bag.

"Where are we going?" she asks and Jacob looks at her, his face serious.

"We're driving to California," he states, "We're going to find Edward,"

Bella tilts her head confused.

"Who's Edward?"

* * *

 _"We are what we remember. If we lose our memory, we lose our identity and our identity is the accumulation of our experiences. When we walk down the memory lane, it can be unconsciously, willingly, selectively, impetuously or sometimes grudgingly. By following our stream of consciousness we look for lost time and things past. Some reminiscences become anchor points that can take another scope with the wisdom of hindsight. ("Walking down the memory lane" )"_  
― Erik Pevernagie

* * *

 **Author's note: I was going to end it with Bella asking to be admitted into the hospital, where she would spend the rest of her days thinking it is September 16th but I decided that Jacob wouldn't let that happen.**

 **So then I thought Road trip.**

 **So next chapter will be A determined Jacob and an amnesiac Bella driving to California to find Edward.**


End file.
